Reason #438,736 why Secret-Agent Man is a genius!

Forget Miers. SAM for SCOTUS!

He'll answer Feddie's questions!

Mr. SecretAgentMan, what are your views on the incorporation doctrine?

Seeing as we're on CSPAN, Senator, and this is being potentially broadcast to schoolchildren, I'll refrain from the succinct group of of hand-gestures I use to express my views on the incorporation doctrine. I'll just say it's to jurisprudence what Hair Metal is to Rock and Roll.

Do you believe that the men who wrote and ratified the 14th Amendment intended for most of the amendments comprising the federal Bill of Rights to be applied against the States?

Hell, Senator, they had no clear idea on what they were doing, you know that. Some of the more urgent Yankee nationalizers, particularly that fellow from Michigan, thought they were obliterating the federal system altogether in favor of a national uber-government. Others thought they were just giving the federal government power to thwart a revanchist sectionalism that might re-start the Civil War. Mostly, though, they wrote and ratified it for the same reason rock stars trash hotel suites -- it sounded like a really good idea at the time, and they knew somebody else would have to clean up the mess.

If so, do you think that the "liberty" component of the Due Process Clause of that amendment is the appropriate jurisprudential foundation for incorporation; or do you instead agree with those legal scholars who believe the Privileges and Immunities Clause is the constitutional provision upon which incorporation must/should rest?

Incorporationism, to the extent the word may be appropriate, can occur only with respect to the privileges and immunities clause. As to the rest, the state's legislative or judicial processes (provided they're conducted with due regard for the Constitution's guarantee of a republican form of government) is all the due process required before the state messes with anybody's life, liberty, or property. And if you'll take some unsolicited advice, repeal the seventeenth amendment.

On the other hand, if you believe the incorporation doctrine is a constitutional fiction, is it your view that the doctrine must be nevertheless be preserved on stare decisis grounds?

We all know that stare decisis means that we respect the laws we can't change.

And none of you bastards should even think about there being follow-up questions to that one.

I can't get over the sonorous inquiry y'all pretend to do about what a nominee will decide about abortion, gay marriage, cooking dog, or whatever hot-button issue has got your constituencies' goats. Take Joe over there. Last time he asked Roberts whether he'd vote to preserve Roe v. Wade. Now Joe, you got to know how damn foolish that is.

Suppose you asked me that in a few minutes. And suppose I said "Sure, Joe, I'll always vote to preserve Roe v. Wade from attack by those Christian fascists." What would you know? I mean, seriously, Joe, what would you know? All you'd really know is what you know now -- I want to be on the Supreme Court. So let's just skip the neo-platonic epicycles of Judiciary Committee cosmology, and leave it at that.

Bonus question I Do you agree with Justice Thomas that it is time to rethink whether the Establishment Clause should be incorporated against the States?

Not really. To re-think means to have thought in the first place. Nothing in the Constitution -- not even the privileges and immunities clause -- prohibits state-supported religion. It's a damn bad idea. But constitutional liberty is largely an exercise in damn bad ideas. You want brilliance and unending prosperity, then go rent a Fuhrer.

Read the whole thing! It's priceless!